My favorite op-ed columnist, Maureen Dowd, ran an interesting piece in the NYTimes this Sunday entitled, "An Ideal Husband." She consulted Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., about what constitutes the perfect husband. He spent decades as a marriage counselor and this is some of what he had to say (my commentary is in caps):
“Never marry a man who has no friends. This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like?
(I'LL WITHHOLD COMMENT ON WHAT I THINK OF JEFF'S FRIENDS)
“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
(ON THE CONTRARY IN MY MARRIAGE, I'VE LEARNED TO BE VERY FRUGAL--TO AN EXTREME! PLEASE DON'T ASK WHEN I'VE HAD MY HAIR HIGHLIGHTED LAST, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. GOOD-BYE KATE SPADE! HELLO GOODWILL!)
“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
(CAN I HEAR AN AMEN TO THAT? I ACTUALLY APPRECIATE WHEN JEFF CHALLENGES ME--WITHIN REASON. HE'S SO LAID BACK, HE'S EASY TO CONTROL SO I HAVE TO STIFLE MY DESIRE TO ASSERT MYSELF TO GET MY WAY).
“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother.
(I'M LUCKY THAT WHILE JEFF ADORES HIS MOM, THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS HEALTHY AND RESPECTFUL...ALTHOUGH JEFF DID SAY WHEN WE STARTED DATING, "I JUST WANT TO MARRY SOMEONE LIKE MY MOM. SHE LOVES HER FAMILY, SHE'D NEVER LEAVE AND SHE WAS SO GOOD AT INTERACTING WITH US, ALWAYS PLAYING GAMES AND DOING THINGS WITH US KIDS.")
“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
(JEFF IS VERY FUNNY. EVEN WHEN I'M MAD HE MAKES ME LAUGH).
“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’
(JEFF IS THE SILENT TYPE BUT IS WORKING ON BEING INTENTIONAL ABOUT COMMUNICATION).
“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
(JEFF IS AS STABLE AS A CONCRETE BLOCK).
“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.
(MY IN-LAWS ARE REMARKABLY INTACT AND NORMAL...AND JEFF & I SHARE THE SAME CHRISTIAN BELIEFS OR ELSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR!)
“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?
(OUR PASTOR THINKS JEFF CAN BE FORGIVING TO A FAULT--HE NEEDS TO BE MORE FIRM. I'M THE ONE WITH FORGIVENESS ISSUES).
“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
YES, LIFE REALLY IS UNFAIR AND THERE IS NO PERFECT GUY...BUT I DO THINK JEFF IS THE PERFECT GUY FOR ME.
